Fear not

Everyone's nervous about the swine flus and catching it on planes from Mexico. Because that's what happens: Mexicans will cough on you on the planes. Joe Biden says so.

But seriously, look! Maribel Guardia is Mexican AND on a plane without a mask on, so it must be cool. Would she lie to you?

Maribel Guardia was examined and declared fit for popular consumption from F-listed.

Vivrant Thing

A bit of Marisa Miller to go with my lunchtime mac-n-cheese.

Marisa Miller was found on Popholic.

CAPTION CONTEST!

FMD Crankmonkey has alerted me to this...thing.

Apparently, there was a fat broads meeting on Oprah, but there was only enough room for the two of them. Obviously disappointed, the Kirstie Alleys distorted her visage thus.

Speaking of hybrids...

Nope, not a fan.

Glad to see you're paying attention, Deputy Fife

Someone jacked half of the tires from Jerry Brown's ride...

Even the state's top law-enforcement officer isn't immune to crime.

A scofflaw made off with the two passenger side tires from state Attorney General Jerry Brown's state-owned Toyota Camry hybrid as it was parked outside his Oakland hills home, his office said Thursday.

[....]

No arrests have been made, said Oakland police Sgt. Rich Vierra, chief of staff to acting Police Chief Howard Jordan.

Definitely an audacious tire thief, but what's JB doing with a Camdy Hybrid? He should get a Dodge Charger like his buddy, Don Perata. Maybe he'll find his missing rims at Hilltop, too.

Breakfast Granola for 5/1/9

Happy May Day, you damn dirty pinkos!

Today's tract from (the Black Books version of) The Little Book Of Calm: Getting enough sunlight is a huge contributor to calm. If you feel yourself getting tense, go outside and enjoy the fresh air. Wave to the mailman. Wave to your neighbor walking his capybara. Smell Brandy Grace. You are a solar collector of calm.

Brandy Grace was found on Coed Magazine.

Vodka Good. Bacon Good. Bacon Vodka???

Public’s Demand for Bacon Vodka Will Soon Be Satisfied

Bakon Vodka: “Pure. Refreshing. Bacon.”

In case of zombie/pig flu apocalypse...

Bottle opener, screwdriver, Strider wrench, nail puller, and improvised shank. Nope, it's not another Swiss Army knife — its the TAD Gear B.R.A.T.T.

The Be Ready Always Titanium Tool was found on Uncrate.

Best. Game. EVAR!!!1!

Whatever you do, don't shit your pants.

Found on the blog of Olivia Munn's buddy and Antioch native, Kevin Pereira.

Panic Map!

The intergoogles provide us with a method to wend our way through the inevitable pig flu holocaust.

This lifesaving service was found on Lifehacker.

Hooters: It's good for you!

On this strange Thursday, I present you with a lucky strike of fine classic mineral.

This gallery of EPIC WIN was discovered during interwebb wanderings on Manofest.

Where's The Shoveler when you need him?

Sad, lonely and empowered....nothing bad could happen.

Masked Superheroes Patrol Cincinnati Streets | Threat Level

Evildoers beware! A team of self-styled crime-fighters called the “Allegiance of Heroes” has taken to patrolling the mean streets of Cincinnati, righting wrongs and defending the defenseless. The superheroes — who carry handcuffs, pepperspray and stun guns, but no batarangs — are part of a global network of masked avengers who organize and team-up through the online World Superhero Registry.

Way to hold it in, Veep

Crazy Uncle Joe Biden lends us some pandemic panic...

“I would tell members of my family — and I have — I wouldn’t go anywhere in confined places now,” Biden said on NBC’s “Today” show.. “It’s not that it’s going to Mexico. It’s [that] you’re in a confined aircraft. When one person sneezes, it goes all the way through the aircraft. That’s me."

[....]

[In a press release to "extend and revise," the administration said what he meant to say was] Americans "should avoid unnecessary air travel to and from Mexico...If they are sick, they should avoid airplanes and other confined public spaces, such as subways."

It's good advice -- avoiding unnecessary travel and strange contact -- but due to the administration's need to "clean" and Biden being such a harebrained and hairtriggered flapjaw, I have to wonder: Does Pepto Bismol work on H1N1 AND diarrhea of the mouth?

P.S.: CAPTION CONTEST!

Breakfast Granola for 4/30/9

Today's tract from (the Black Books version of) The Little Book Of Calm: Have you ever seen a loud calm person? Be as the soothing paisley pattern on your calm couch and Stephanie Pietz will wear her pink corset on you.

This heretofore unknown ore was discovered on Coed Magazine.

Lia, may I?

Never heard of Lia May before, but now seems as good a time as any to start.

Lia May turned up on a regular patrol of F-listed.

Jeff is a fashion designer?

WTF GUS?

Yellow in the front, brown in the back, the No-Wash Underwear let you soil yourself with style.

Found on F-listed.

Caption Contest!

Since the Swine Flus seem to be moving towards total pandemic, Egypt decided to kill all the little piggies (without telling Jeff). So the Christian Egyptians have decided to riot. Thus, we now have another fine episode of...Create Your Own Caption!

Breakfast Granola for 4/29/9

Regiane Brunnquell (aka: Sandy Capetinha) is probably the most interesting Brazilian import since Jobim and Gilberto. And breakfast always seems nicer when it's served on a doily...

This mineral from Brazil was discovered on On 205th.

Why I'm not terribly assed about the death of Pontiac

Once upon a time, I simply admired cars in general. In many ways, I still do -- I'll commonly say "Horsepower is horsepower" -- and throughout my car-loving history I went through a few phases, starting with Hot Wheels...

One week, I might have a late-1960s Corvette Stingray in my pocket. The next, it could be a mid-1950s Ford F1 hotrod pickup. And the next could be one of those wacky Rothian Homermobiles that Mattel were apt to make on occasion. Cars = love.

Eventually, fascination went from Hot Wheels to model building to remote control, and so on, then finally to the real thing. By the time I get around to purchasing my own car, I noticed something dismaying about the differences between Ford and GM...

Example: At the time, GM still had Oldsmobile, and while it and fellow child nameplate Mercury had performance in their pedigree, GM had wandered far afield from it. No rear-drive, fewer V8s, and nearly all sedans. What happened?

Arguably, Wayne Cherry and Bob Lutz happened. A ton of nameplates that share vanilla designs (Pontiac Grand Prix/Am and Bonneville, Buick LeSabre and Skylark) and lack of historical context (Pontiac Aztek, Cadillac Escalade, Buick Lucerne and Rendezvous, Chevy Aveo and Cobalt), and the few flecks of tasty chocolate are either watered down (Pontiac GTO, Chevy Impala and Malibu), bastardized (Pontiac G8, anything recently Chevy SS), or flung into oblivion (Pontiac G8-ST, plus good historic names like Seville, Riviera, El Camino, Caprice, Tempest, LeMans). Anybody see any patterns in there?

Pontiac was quite like the redheaded stepchild GM didn't quite know what to do with. There was some performance orientation with the GXP models, but then there was this air of mid-range luxury and comfort that they still wanted to execute in models like the Torrent and Montana.

Today, GM seems to be taking a page from Ford's playbook. If you want luxury, go with Cadillac (Lincoln). If you want comfort, go with Buick (Mercury). If you want a truck, go with GMC (Ford Trucks). And if you want performance or anything else, go with Chevy (Ford).

Sad, yes -- if only that I admire the old Goats like the Tempest LeMans and Judge, and the Firebirds and Trans Ams, and even the old boulevard yachts like the Star Chief and Bonneville -- but sadly inevitable. Happy trails, Chief Pontiac.

Jeff could have been living his dream from birth

Olivia Munn is bound to have this at some point, but here goes...

'Fattest mother' feeds babies on McDonald's fast food

Leanne Salt said that she feeds her babies McDonald's burgers because she is "too busy" to cook for them properly.

[...]

Mrs Salt, who weighs 29 stone herself [ed: my math puts that at 406 pounds!], insists that her triplets – Deanna, Daisy and Finlee – are healthy even though they consume nearly double their recommended daily calories.

"My babies were six months old when they had their first McDonald's," she told Closer magazine.

"Sometimes I'll cook them a microwave lasagne. Babies are always hungry – sometimes it's easier to give them food that's already prepared."

The 24-year-old added: "I let the triplets eat fries off my plate as I think it's best they try all kinds of food to see what they like.

"I don't want them to think they have to watch what they eat. I'll tell them big is beautiful."

Nothing wrong with big, but GOD FUCKIN' DAMN there's supposed to be a limit for everything. I'll call it child abuse just because McDonald's burgers are about the flavor and texture of cork coasters.

Breakfast Granola for 4/28/9

Because bowling is the sport of his people, this one's for Apache Chief...

Went bowling the other night and this is my “strike” pose. Yeaaaah bitches!! Who’s the shit now?… Actually, that was my only strike of the night. I suck.

Olivia Munn = John Connor?

Fight the future with Olivia Munn...

IBM announced today that its Watson system will compete against mere genius Earthlings on Jeopardy! in an “attempt to further artificial intelligence when it comes to semantics and searching for indexed information.” Basicallly that means the machine will need to understand “analogies, puns, double entendres and relationships like size and location,” something that has been very difficult for robots.

If the robots win this round of Jeopardy!, everyone go to the nearest phone booth, underneath the chained phone book will be a piece of paper to directions to my secret bunker. Also, there will be a list of items you need to bring to help supply our… supplies. By my calculations, we can all live there for at least 57 years. Be swift and safe… and whatever you do- DON’T FORGET THE PIE!!!

God speed.

I have a couple rifles and some chocolate cream. Anyone else?

Boy, am I relieved!

Here I was, worrying unnecessarily about the odd, repatriated shaheed possibly running off for more jihad adventure. Why, when our friends the Saudis have built a lovely re-education center for ex-Gitmo prisoners? They're not allowed to subjugate other religions or behead anymore without permission. Seriously, I wouldn't lie to you...

"Now I know the rules and regulations for jihad," [ex-shaheed Abdullah al-]Hammami said. "First, it needs the consent of the government. Second, the consent of my parents."

Better still: the 1984 in it...

"We do not do negative brainwash. We do positive brainwash," [the center's pshrink, Turki al-]Otayan said.

DOUBLEPLUS GOOD!!

This nugget of joy located on Yahoo! News and brought to my attention via LGF.

Stick 'em up!

Behold Juliona Trans, the latest great thing to come from the mind of Masamune Shirow.

I sense that it could be something akin to Trigun, but the bulk of his work (such as his Intron Depot books) doesn't get made into anything. Please please please be different...

Found in my J-list e-mail; more information at the Artstorm manufacturer's website.

Quad To Try MMA

Image via Wikipedia

Sure he's burly for a quad and can wrestle, but MMA? Really? He's gonna get his ass stomped.

Armless, Leggless Wrestler To Make MMA Debut | Caveman Circus

Maynard, a congenital amputee with no elbows or knees, burst onto the national scene when he graduated from Collins Hill High School in Suwanee, Ga., with a wrestling record of 35-16 in his senior season

Related articles

• Congenital Amputee Kyle Maynard Joins the MMA (manolith.com)

Along the ragged rocks the rascals ran

Today's tract from (the Black Books version of) The Little Book Of Calm: There's calm around every corner. Turn enough corners and you may find Denise Milani. You are a fast-ratio steering rack of calm.

Denise Milani was located on F-listed.

A Pallett for my head

A little bit of Second Breakfast, if you will, courtesy of Roxanne Pallett.

Found on Camel Tap via F-listed.

Breakfast Granola for 4/27/9

Here's a blast from the past to those in The Mine. An ancient ore from times immemorial, when hapless Caucasian female tourists got looted, pillaged, and darn near raped by the ritual fun of "daggering."

Oh Jamaica, you so crazy!