Have a BIG ASS New Year!

There are two things I want to see going away: Coco Austin and 2010.

And Coco is the only one allowed back. See you in 2011!

Relevant to my interests

This is Melody Jai, aka the Whooty Girl.

And this is a Youtube video of Melody Jai popping her booty...

Hips are awesome!

al-Jeff doesn't think so, but he's not here to stop me. I speculate that he dislikes mature shapes -- namely, breasts and hips -- as an obvious sign of post-pubescent maturity.

Not that there's anything wrong with that, of course.

Rina Akiyama kindly donated her hips from somewhere on the intergoogles.

Bulldog Gin

WANT from Uncrate:

Add an extra bit of oomph to your New Years martinis, long islands, and slings with Bulldog Gin ($30). Handcrafted in London using traditional copper pot stills and twelve unique botanicals, Bulldog offers fruit and citrus notes, a smooth texture, and crisp taste that make it perfect for mixing or solo sipping. As a bonus, the distinctive bottle with a spiked collar is sure to draw more than a few questions from your fellow revelers.

Breakfast Granola for 12/31/10

This WIN speaks for itself; found on Kotaku:

But aren't they all?

Of course it's called A.S.S.; it has skiing in it!

Skiing sucks, and snow is cold, wet death. Avoid them both and you won't wind up in A.S.S.

From Failblog.

Korea: It's big in Japan!

This is Girls' Generation, an engineered, Korean pop group, and they're insanely popular in Japan, it seems. Since there are nine of them, I guess that makes them the Spice Girls x2, plus one.

For the purposes of The Mine, they're pretty and have long legs, and will be popular until the next post nudges it southward.

Found on Kotaku.

Breakfast Granola for 12/30/10

She's called "Kimberly_Modeling." Really, I couldn't make that up. It does seem appropriate, doesn't it?

Found on F-listed.

Ore comparison: Jennifer Love Hewitt

And here's JLH again, this time dressed as a Playboy Bunny and ready for a Halloween party. Same girl, different hot.

From the Ore Archives.

Am I crazy?

I already gave F-listed an F for being unable to name Lizzy Chavez, but I want to give them another one for calling Jennifer Love Hewitt ugly in this picture.

JLH looks great in various stages of polish, and I daresay even unpolished. She has a "Velma on her day off" look going on here, which makes me say that true beauty just can't be hidden.

As Great Prophet al-Jeff would say, "Don't judge me!"

Breakfast Granola for 12/29/10

Ever see someone doing something, and you think to yourself, "This is going to end badly. I hope I'm standing far enough away."

Well, sometimes it's not always that simple. Wait for it: 0:09...

LMC85

That's how F-listed has her billed, but a quick search of the googlewebs finds a Model Mayhem page with her human identity: Lizzy Chavez.

Way to go the extra mile, F-listed! The F stands for FAIL today.

Breakfast Granola for 12/28/10

Try this for a Trifecta/Three Round Burst:

1. snow sucks,
2. government transportation employees are careless, ignorant herpderps,
3. and New Yorkers are annoyingly loud and opinionated!

From Gawker via Jalopnik (NSFW language):

CardSharp

From Uncrate:

Want to carry a knife but don't feel like adding any extra bulk to your already crowded pockets? Check out the CardSharp (£15; roughly $23). Thanks to its ingenious folding design, the CardSharp is the same size as a credit card, yet offers a 65mm stainless steel blade, and folds up securely for travel. A bit of advice: make sure it's not in your wallet the next time you're heading into the TSA line.

Breakfast Granola for 12/27/10

The Ivory Queen of Soul, Mary Christine Brockert, aka Lady T, aka Teena Marie, has left us at 54.

Smacky Holidays!

Unearthed by FMD Crankmonkey via a random Tumblr.

The Satisfaction of The Prophet: A Tale for Festivus

Among the Simmslamic people, Festivus is now claimed as Thee Holiday, and this is its first story:

In The Granola Mine, the Prophet al-Jeff bin Simmslam did toil, and though life was harsh, his people did thrive. Bottled water and packages of oatmeal were plentiful, and much Granola was mined. Life was good.

And then came Kevin the Simple, a mere wretch who desired to meet with his rich relatives and ski amid the Big Skies of Montana, but at a discount. This discount, he knew, could be obtained with permission. He need only ask "Him" and Him's henchman, Goomba, to conclude said transaction.

Kevin the Simple did thus, and Him and Goomba did promise to obtain this discount. However, Him did practice to deceive young Kevin the Simple, and instructed Goomba to cease progress on acquisition of said discount.

"Move on," Him spake unto Goomba, and so Goomba did, intending for poor Kevin the Simple to pay full price for his lift tickets and related accoutrements.

Unknown to most, al-Jeff had consumed the "al-qul" -- namely, the Midori Sour -- and was increased in courage many-fold. His "Dutch" levels rising and hearing this inveiglement, al-Jeff did become incensed, and called out Goomba for his Bitch-Ass-Ness.

"Bear ye false witness to Kevin the Simple!" al-Jeff rebuked. "Shalt thou not complete that call as ye promised?"

Verily punked and eager to disprove this charge of Bitch-Ass-Ness, Goomba did acquiesce. Calls were placed and arrangements were made to restore credit to the credit card of Kevin the Simple.

"Happy now, al-Jeff?" Goomba gloated. "Thy call art made for Kevin the Simple."

"Ye have only done what ye have promised. Art not Kevin the Simple a human being?" al-Jeff did rhetorically question. "Thou shalt treatest him as such. That is all I say."

And Goomba's trap did shut for the remainder of the day. Much rejoicing!

For his trouble, some three hundred sixty odd days later, by considerable patience and whining, al-Jeff did order a mighty sandwich.

But on arrival from faraway Ike's, this sandwich did appear as two sandwiches, one nameth Lex and the other Luthor. With hamburger and chicken-fried steak and ribeye and fried Mozzarella sticks they were filled.

"Delicious sandwich," al-Jeff declared on tasting Luthor, saving Lex for times of famine (tr: weekend).

And from this boon, al-Jeff felt fullness in the rotund of his belly.

"I art full," he belched, and did grow sleepy with "The Itis."

"The Prophet art sated?" the people cried out. "Tis a Festivus Miracle!"

And this is why we don't exchange gifts in The Mine.

The End

FMD Saint Nevub delivers!

Behold ye, the True Third Miracle (aka Fourth Miracle) of Saint Nevub the Epicurist! From Ike's Place:

*111. MANAGE [sic] A TROIS 11.11
Halal Chicken Breast, Real Honey, Honey Mustard, BBQ, PepperJack, Swiss, Smoke Gouda

Throughout The Mine, many are the praises being sung. Even al-Jeff, for whom sandwiches are generally haraam, approves of his "Lex Luthor."

What do you want from me? I'm fat. You go away! I'm eating. OM NOM NOM!

Cthulhu Claus needs women

But then, who doesn't?

FMD Crankmonkey presents this Ore, which claims to be the first work of Oliver Wetter, aka Fantasio, on a new Wacom Intuos 4. Having had an Intuos 3 here in The Mine, I can speak to the potency of Wacom gear.

Apparently, these are Wetter's Christmas cards. How awesome would that be in your mailbox? A: pretty damn awesome.

Breakfast Granola for 12/23/10

Maybe I was doing it wrong, but I loved getting books when I was a kid; it was the socks and underwear that I used to not like. Thus, I gaze upon this tantrum with more than a little annoyance.



That, friends, is a whiny little snot. One bag of Kingsford briquettes, coming right up!

Found via F-listed on Urlesque.

When the sun goes down...

...here comes the moon. Jaime Koeppe is better than any eclipse.

This uncommon Canadian Strategic Ore is from the Ore Archives.

Winter Solstice 2010 Lunar Eclipse Time Lapse

Thermometer

That's a pointy way to tell if it's cold.

Found with other Humpday Hotties on Funtasticus.

Breakfast Granola for 12/22/10

Winter sucks and is conspiring to kill us all. This clusterfuck from Jalopnik proves it:

Speaking of tasty and delicious...

...here is Candace Swanepoel, playing with her hair. You're welcome!

Found on Hollywood Tuna.

Breakfast Granola for 12/21/10

I have seen the future, and it is tasty and delicious.

Happy birthday, Milla Jovovich!

Sharp object fan just turned 34, keeping her far from the eyes of Simmslam.

Renault: For the ladies

al-Jeff is NOT driving the most ladylike car possible. He could be driving a mauve Renault Twingo instead:



Found on Jezebel via Jalopnik.

Breakfast Granola for 12/20/10

April Cheryse is from Southern California, 5'7", 100 lbs, and 32D. That's a sizable chunk of new ore.

Freshly mined from Coed.

Skateboards are teh dum

I think the coup de grace is that his board hits him in the head once he's down, as if it's sentient enough to have conspired against him the whole time. Who's dumb now!?

Breakfast Granola for 12/17/10

Jamie Eason, a very fit strategic ore that there isn't nearly enough of in The Mine, found on Hollywood Tuna.

Tumblr stumblr

I'll sometimes stumble around the twebs, and as Saint Nevub observes, Tumblr is notorious for the concept of losing oneself in the mix. Thus, he grants us this boon, H4, as a rabbit hole into rabbit holes.

Booty found on H4 here-ish. NSFW, but is full of awesome and win and cars.

Trololo: Another Take

Here for the holidays

And oh so right and very wrong for Jeff in so many ways!

Merry Xmas BITCHES!

FMD Foxxdance offers up this holiday tribute, and by holiday we mean CHRISTMAS! North Pole shake to THAT!

Women's volleyball is awesome because...

...of this.

Found on Funtasticus.

Breakfast Granola for 12/16/10

In Soviet Russia, they get at least one thing right: mob beats drunk driver into paste! From Jalopnik:

Icelandic for piercing

While tripping through the Ore Archives, I found this image of Ásdis Rán. Despite hailing from Iceland and billing herself as "The Ice Queen," she is hot.

And I really like her eyes. That is all.

Breakfast Granola for 12/15/10

Christian Bale sings the Powerpuff Girls theme song, appearing at random on Google News:

YTD lives!

Ex-FMD YTD attended this past weekend's Elf Party, and was -- therefore -- way cooler than any of us. Behold this captured photoreconnaisance, and trust me, you'd thank me for hacking your eyes...

The legend continues...

How has Lovecraft reached YOU today?

Best. Advice. EVAR! From io9:

Breakfast Granola for 12/14/10

FMD Jack Naples brings us this Irish weirdness, and it's not even St. Paddy's...

Reason #4080 for why snow sucks

It'll destroy buildings and potentially kill you.



Ex-FMD Apache Chief says that the Metrodome was "a leaky, deathtrap, shithole" and that this was pretty much expected because it's in Minneapolis, which he also characterized as "a leaky, deathtrap, shithole."

Seen on "NFL on Fox" throughout the day; Youtube link found on io9.

Too fast, too stupid

FAIL for so many reasons, not the least of which are the insufficiency of the tethering and the dyno's roller geometry, both of which should have been based on the vehicle being AWD.

Breakfast Granola for 12/13/10

WANT from Uncrate:

Who said you had to be at home to enjoy the precision of a Shun blade? The Shun Higo Nokami Gentleman's Knife ($100) lets you bust out your culinary cutting skills wherever the need arises, with a locking foldout six-inch blade made from high-carbon stain-resistant VG-10 steel, a resin-infused PakkaWood handle with an inlaid silver and brass samurai family crest emblem, and an included black lacquer box with leather sheath. Good for cutting everything from steak to sushi.

Worse than Cthulhu Claus?

Breakfast Granola for 12/10/10

FMD Crankmonkey unearths the arcane and unexpected Cthulhu Claus. If I didn't know any better, the boy resembles H.P. Lovecraft.

And what DO you ask Cthulhu Claus for? Maybe not to be devoured as he rides around on the ruins of ancient R'lyeh?

Found on dominus.tumbler.

Because we're not getting enough bacon

From Uncrate:

It's not quite the Bacon of the Month Club, but it's getting there. Savenor's Bacon Society ($10 and up) lets you hand-pick what months and what meats you'll get — including peppered, neuskies, canadian, duck, and applewood bacon, smoked wild boar, and smoked pork chops — delivered straight to your door from Boston's legendary meat shop.

Poor manatee

Who knew they had such squishy heads? Failblog, that's who.


see more funny videos

Breakfast Granola for 12/9/10

Daft Punk has a video for their first single of the Tron Legacy soundtrack, "Derezzed." From io9:

Daft Punk - New Music - More Music Videos

One in the head, I'm fed

Lovely though the thought is, I have misgivings about this image from Funtasticus; I suspect Photoshoopery.

Offhand, I cite:

• near leg looks thinner than far leg,
• high sharpness between thighs and edge of far thigh,
• ditto sharpness on waist, plus pinched distortion (kubire, or "inward dip" in Japanese),
• middle seam of jeans looks pushed up and right,
• inside of far asscheek doesn't look like it curves/tucks like the near cheek,
• near pocket tapering while the far one seems straighter,
• and the groove of her spine moves in/left, then out/right above her waistband.

Next time, I recommend duplicating and airbrushing back in more original elements to cut down on distortion effects.

Breakfast Granola for 12/8/10

We've been around the Nürburgring with Sabine Schmitz, but that was with a guy in the dummy seat. This time, it's a girl-girl ride with Juliet McGuire around Zwartkops in a BMW M3 Frozen Edition. From Jalopnik:

Premonition

The Fifteenth Decree of Simmslam

Religions contain all manner of precepts and rules on rites and other behaviors. Marriage was briefly touched upon, so now it's time for death and burials:

This is how we will dispose of the dead in The Nation of Simmslam. It is the greatest thing ever.

Breakfast Granola for 12/7/10

There are 27 images of Brittany Szemerei, and this appears to be as close as she gets to smiling. So beautiful a woman should not look so unhappy. Perhaps she'd do well in The Mine?

Found on F-listed.

Kids, do NOT try this at home!

Caption Contest: Club Edition

Girl in white behind couch: "Would it be OK if I grab their -- ?"

Girl in pink bustier: "NOOOO! Me first!"

Found on Funtasticus.

Breakfast Granola for 12/6/10

It's a very ugly, rainy Monday outside. Inside, it's Medianoche and very, very burlesque.

Profile

Sophie Turner, ever willing to pop out her booty, pops out her booty. This should get me through lunch, at least.

Found on Hollywood Tuna.

And it goes like this...

Today seems like THE day where it's finally sinking in and folks are starting to learn: sometimes you have to MAKE people do what you want. Image related!

Translation: NO REPORT AVAILABLE!

Found with other strange and magical images on Funtasticus.

A Martini meant to be shaken

Big brown eyes, check.

Wavy red hair, check.

Sweet, sweet cleavage, double check.

I could drink Angela Martini all day.

Found on Celebslam via F-listed.

Breakfast Granola for 12/3/10

We've seen how Gran Turismo can be win, but here's an example of where it might be an accessory to fail.

I sometimes feel while playing GT that I'd be able to drive anything I digitally own on any track I've digitally driven. If faced with this in real life, however, I'd like to think that I'd simply be able to take my own car for some pokey laps and not get lost, neverminding hot laps.

Unfortunately, I get the sinking sensation that GT may have misled some German youths into thinking they could, in fact, do some hot laps. And not just anywhere; on the Nürburgring Nordschleife, one of the most demanding, technical, AND dangerous courses in the world. Wait for it: 0:50 and onward...



This WTF FAIL was found on Jalopnik.

GT5's Tokyo 246 in a Caterham R300 Superlight

From Jalopnik:

Caterham Japan and the folks at Okidokyo ran Tokyo's Route 246 track from Gran Turismo 5 in the real world in a Caterham R300 Superlight to find out what the differences were.

It turns out that in real life there's a lot more traffic.

And yes, in real life, the Tokyo "Route 246" track starts off and ends right next to Sony's worldwide headquarters.

Caterham goes around Route 246 (GT5 track) from Remi Schouten on Vimeo.

Gran Turismo 5 vs. Real Life

GT5 is going to be pretty and shiny, of course, but it's pretty darn close. From Kotaku:

Snow + Board = ????

DEATH! That's what that gets!

Breakfast Granola for 12/2/10

I never did like Family Circus, and especially not Jeffy's spastic, wandering ass. Get 'em, Pedobear!

Photoshoopery by yours truly.

Reading is fun(damental)

Seriously, it is. Can't you tell?

Found on Heavy.

One for Crankmonkey

see more funny videos

Breakfast Granola for 12/1/10

Oh summer, you seem so far away, and autumn was hardly here at all! Now winter feels upon us, and all is cold and bleak and...COLD!

Chanelle Hayes at the beach will have to carry me to spring.

Found on DJ Mick.

How to use (and NOT use) a neti pot

FMD Jack Naples regaled us with tales of the "neti pot" and how it helped his allergy situation. Intrigued, I had to see one in action, and did uncover a jackpot of neti pot use/abuse...

Gay marriage: not all bad

see more Hawtness

Breakfast Granola for 11/30/10

News about Iron Sky continues to dribble out, including this story from io9.

Blah blah blah, that extra stuff is all well and good -- and I hope to Raptorjeebus that the movie doesn't suck -- but I want to see and hear Renate Richter (as played by Julia Dietze) in action. I can't find any reference to the insignia on her cap, but I'm going to assume it's for the "Schwarze Sonne" division of the SS.

Image found among Iron Sky's press images.

I'm sure Lebanese chicks like...

...Sarieha Alsawaf likes men, too. Right, PABLO?

Breakfast Granola for 11/29/10

Happy post-Thanksgiving! I don't know if anybody traveled for it, but I hear the security checks can be dicey.

Accurate re-creation of TSA logo by yours truly.

Necessary components

Marie-Claude Bourbonnais is wearing a corset, fishnets, and precariously high heels. I don't think I need a whole let else to get by.

Found on Hollywood Tuna.

GT5 = highly accurate

How do we know this? Because the classic Fiat 500 has trouble with hills in real life, too. From Kotaku:

Breakfast Granola for 11/26/10

This was Seattle on Monday:



Seriously, FUCK SNOW! FUCK IT WITH THE BARK STILL ON!

Found on Jalopnik.

Out there somewhere...

...is one lucky United States Marine Corps lance corporal.

Found on Hawtness.

Jeff's time to shine?

Is employment as a TSA agent halal in the eyes of Simmslam? It probably is.

Found on Failblog.