The Satisfaction of The Prophet: A Tale for Festivus

Among the Simmslamic people, Festivus is now claimed as Thee Holiday, and this is its first story:

In The Granola Mine, the Prophet al-Jeff bin Simmslam did toil, and though life was harsh, his people did thrive. Bottled water and packages of oatmeal were plentiful, and much Granola was mined. Life was good.

And then came Kevin the Simple, a mere wretch who desired to meet with his rich relatives and ski amid the Big Skies of Montana, but at a discount. This discount, he knew, could be obtained with permission. He need only ask "Him" and Him's henchman, Goomba, to conclude said transaction.

Kevin the Simple did thus, and Him and Goomba did promise to obtain this discount. However, Him did practice to deceive young Kevin the Simple, and instructed Goomba to cease progress on acquisition of said discount.

"Move on," Him spake unto Goomba, and so Goomba did, intending for poor Kevin the Simple to pay full price for his lift tickets and related accoutrements.

Unknown to most, al-Jeff had consumed the "al-qul" -- namely, the Midori Sour -- and was increased in courage many-fold. His "Dutch" levels rising and hearing this inveiglement, al-Jeff did become incensed, and called out Goomba for his Bitch-Ass-Ness.

"Bear ye false witness to Kevin the Simple!" al-Jeff rebuked. "Shalt thou not complete that call as ye promised?"

Verily punked and eager to disprove this charge of Bitch-Ass-Ness, Goomba did acquiesce. Calls were placed and arrangements were made to restore credit to the credit card of Kevin the Simple.

"Happy now, al-Jeff?" Goomba gloated. "Thy call art made for Kevin the Simple."

"Ye have only done what ye have promised. Art not Kevin the Simple a human being?" al-Jeff did rhetorically question. "Thou shalt treatest him as such. That is all I say."

And Goomba's trap did shut for the remainder of the day. Much rejoicing!

For his trouble, some three hundred sixty odd days later, by considerable patience and whining, al-Jeff did order a mighty sandwich.

But on arrival from faraway Ike's, this sandwich did appear as two sandwiches, one nameth Lex and the other Luthor. With hamburger and chicken-fried steak and ribeye and fried Mozzarella sticks they were filled.

"Delicious sandwich," al-Jeff declared on tasting Luthor, saving Lex for times of famine (tr: weekend).

And from this boon, al-Jeff felt fullness in the rotund of his belly.

"I art full," he belched, and did grow sleepy with "The Itis."

"The Prophet art sated?" the people cried out. "Tis a Festivus Miracle!"

And this is why we don't exchange gifts in The Mine.

The End