Happy Easter from Granola Heavy Industries

Djambi, I'm NOT ostentatious enough!

WTF GUS?

Q: This "vehicle" is owned by:

A) a visiting sheik's douchebag son, looking for blonde Russian sex slaves and cheap, Eastern European ecstacy.

B) nouveau-riche Eurotrash connected to Gazprom or some other Communist economic revival who thinks it's "plain" and drives it daily.

C) a mobster who benefited from the Chechen war and related graft, but whose genitalia got damaged in a prison fight and uses it to "wave his dick."

D) George Soros.

Paging "Dear Leader": FIX THIS!

Ugh, this is getting increasingly dumb...

Somali pirates holding an American hostage on a drifting lifeboat want $2 million for his release, a fellow pirate onshore said Friday.

[....]

"Our friends (on the lifeboat) hope for $2 million ransom as well as their own safety," [the pirate spokesman] added.

Um, no. You need to hope you don't get killed by Navy SEALs.

Honestly President Barack Obama Dear Leader, this bullshit MUST end.

HA AWESOME!

You can't say shit to that.

Seven Six Funniest Black Men Of All Time

Coed Magazine has a list, and while I'm impressed at the inclusion of Redd Foxx, I'm erstwhile annoyed at the omission of Bernie Mac. If it had to be seven, and seven only, I say drop Chris Rock or Dave Chappelle. Both were funny, but not funnier.

Rock: incisive and insightful, but lacking enough substance for any long-lasting or substantial mainstream headway (which is something ALL of the others on the list can claim).

Chappelle: interesting soul and a fairly quick wit, I'm sure being basically a one-trick pony ("I'm Rick James, bitch!") grated on him after a time, and he never seemed to steer clear of it in such a way that it would grant him (and his show) longevity. Plus, going crazy, escaping to Africa, and basically shunning the limelight means he rather removed himself from the list.

My personal Top 3, in order: Richard Pryor, Redd Foxx, and Bernie Mac.

Pre-Easter bunnies

Found via Hollywood Tuna on Coed Magazine.

Breakfast Granola for 4/10/9

Oh, what a tangled web they weave...

In the face of the growing U.S. response, the four pirates appear to have realized that they may have overplayed their hand.

Reached by Reuters via satellite phone, they sounded desperate. "We are surrounded by warships and don't have time to talk," one said. "Please pray for us."

"Overplayed"? Ya think? I can only wonder how hungry a destroyer looks from the business end (USS Bainbridge shown at NATO Pier Facility Souda, Greece, January 2008).

But seriously, Reuters has their satphone number? WTF GUS? Talk about bias. I'm waiting to hear about a correspondent getting killed while they're at it.

Meanwhile, proof that we're not dealing with the sharpest knives here...

In Somalia's Haradheere port, an associate of the pirates said they were armed and ready to defend themselves.

"Our friends are still holding the captain, but they cannot move, they are afraid of the warships," he said. "We want a ransom and, of course, the captain is our shield. The warships might not destroy the boat as long as he is on board."

You may want a ransom, but what you really need to think about is not getting blasted. To quote Wendy Williams, "So Negroidian!"

UPDATE (0710): Wendy Williams says, "You stupid Negro!"

"We are not afraid of the Americans," one of the pirates told Reuters by satellite phone on behalf of the gang holding Phillips far off the Somali coast in the Indian Ocean.

"We will defend ourselves die horribly if attacked."

Fixed! =D

[Andrew Mwangura, coordinator of the East African Seafarers' Assistance Program that monitors the region's seas, says] "They will release the captain, I think, maybe today or tomorrow, but in exchange for something. Maybe some payment or compensation, and definitely free passage back home."

Sorry Andy, but ransom is the sort of nonsense that got us to where we are today.

The ultimatum that needs to be sent: surrender or die.

Homebrew Sentry Turret

Portal-ish automated turret - Hack a Day

[RazorConcepts] has built this cool automated turret. It is a home made frame with an airsoft gun, a Roboduino development board, a rangefinder, camera, and some servos. They programmed it to keep up constant random banter from the game as well as respond appropriately do different inputs. For example, it complains when you pick it up or knock it over as well as announcing if it has acquired a target. The range finder is mounted on its own servo which constantly sweeps back and forth, so the turret itself mainly sits still.

Augusta Hooters Bikini Contest 2009 Gallery

Don Chavez » Augusta Hooters Miss Par 3 Bikini Contest 2009

shots taken at the 2009 Augusta Hooters Miss Par 3 Bikini Contest last night

Come one, come all!

HA! Dorks...

Pirate Band Sending Reinforcements to Kidnappers, Group Says

The band of pirates whose members hijacked a U.S.-flagged ship yesterday in the Indian Ocean is sending reinforcements to the kidnappers holding the captain hostage, said a member of the group who spoke from Somalia.

The man, who called himself Da’ud and identified himself as one of the pirates, spoke by phone from the area of Eyl, Somalia. He said he had been in contact with the four pirates who boarded the Maersk Alabama and who then took the captain hostage on a lifeboat that has stalled off the coast.

Any new pirates arriving at the scene will be confronted by the destroyer USS Bainbridge, which has moved into the area and is getting images fed to it from a drone flying over the lifeboat, an American official said.

Ex-fishers on speedboats with AKs and RPGs vs. Arleigh Burke destroyer? Good luck with that. Among the weapons the pirates may face: the Mark 45, Mod 4, 5-inch gun (shown is a Mod 2 being fired from DDG-96 Bainbridge's older sister, DDG-65 Benfold)...

Mod 4 - longer barrel (62 calibers in length versus 54) for more complete propellant combustion, higher velocity and greater utility as a land attack weapon.

"Greater utility as a land attack weapon," eh? Sounds like Eyl might be wearing some lead sometime soon.

Frank Cho: Some Guy I Met

It was at San Diego Comicon 2004 where I stopped by and got an autographed copy of one of his artbooks. Nice guy, and he appreciated my comment to a comment from someone he was having a conversation with...

Guy: "I like how you draw [Brandy Carter, one of the main characters of Liberty Meadows]...you really brought voluptuous brunettes back into style."

Me: "What? WHAT!?!?!? Voluptuous brunettes, OUT of style!? From whence does this lie originate!?"

Frank, turning on Guy: "Hey, yeah! What the heck are you talking about 'out' of style?"

And so it went, and he sketched an "Uncle Frank" monkey and his signature inside my book while we commiserated a bit on full-bodied and dark-haired women.

Dang Witch Doctors - Zombie Spotted in New Orleans

Image by robertandamanda via Flickr

Gentleman in New Orleans Loses Chunk of Arm in Possible Zombie Attack - Boing Boing

"He said, 'He bit my arm, chewed the flesh and swallowed it in front of me,' " Lorio recalled. She said the bite measured almost 3 by 1 1/2 inches, and was less than 1/4-inch deep.

Thanks for keeping vigil Boing Boing. Zombie infestation is serious business. American needs to WAKE UP and licence those voodoo practitioners

Breakfast Granola for 4/9/9

Today's tract from (the Black Books version of) The Little Book Of Calm: Try something different. Stand up. Roll up your Vanessa Cervantes. Eat an orange. You are your CEO of calm.

Vanessa Cervantes was found on F-listed.

Brazil + Cheerleaders = WIN

Fleshbot - Cheerleaders, Brazilian Style - Babes

The Call Of The Wild

Kelly Brook, paging Apache Chief, as seen on Hollywood Tuna.

Let's Bathe Ourselves in Glass and Mercury

From Wikipedia

The disposal of phosphor and particularly the toxic mercury in the tubes is an environmental issue. Governmental regulations in many areas require special disposal of fluorescent lamps separate from general and household wastes. For large commercial or industrial users of fluorescent lights, recycling services are available in many nations, and may be required by regulation. In some areas, recycling is also available to consumers. The need for a recycling infrastructure is an issue with instituting proposed bans of incandescent bulbs.

Check out the stupidity at TYWKIWDBI: Fluorescent light bulb fights

The show (I won't grace it with the term "sport") apparently consists of men in a ring smashing each other with fluorescent light bulbs. According to the Reddit thread, it is probably an event in Japanese Frontier Martial Arts Wrestling.

If we needed a new logo, this might be the most accurate.

Great Teacher FSM

I never did learn trig. Maybe Flying Spaghetti Monster could help me.

Wandered upon from this post on Funny Exams.

Porn Reworked to Safe For Work

The picture gives a good sense of what this site has going on. Pictures of porn badly reworked to be safe for work. Worth a laugh or two.

Check out Porn SFW

Pirate Bay to the Rescue Again

The Pirate Bay's Anonymity Service Signs 100,000 Users Pre-Launch | Threat Level from Wired.com

The service will operate much the same way as other anonymity services, with one important exception: The Pirate Bay says it will not log its data, making it more difficult to trace activity to a specific user.

Related articles

• IPREDator, the Terrifyingly Awesome Privacy Tool Prepares to Launch (readwriteweb.com)
• Pirate Bay Announces IPREDATOR Global Anonymity Service (torrentfreak.com)
• The Pirate Bay Closing Arguments: Since We Can't Get The Real Infringers, We Should Blame Everything On These Guys (techdirt.com)
• Pirate Bay Manifesto - POwr, Broccoli and Kopimi (torrentfreak.com)

Just Like Bums, Urban Street Dogs Commute from Suburbia

I always take "news" stories out of Russia with a skeptical eye. That being said, this one has a ring of truth about it.

English Russia » Smartest Dogs: Moscow Stray Dogs

Russian scientists say that Moscow stray dogs became much smarter. The four legged oldest human’s friends demonstrate real smartness such as riding the Moscow metro every morning to get from their suburban places of living to the fat regions of Moscow center. Once they arrive to the downtown they demonstrate different new, previously unseen for the dog skills. Those skills can include “the hunt for shawarma” for example, the popular among Muscovites eastern cuisine dish.

Take that Jake.

"Surely, the enemy has done this?"

Sorry Somail pirates, you got some Americans this time...

American crew members aboard a U.S.-flagged ship hijacked by Somali pirates Wednesday were able to regain control of the vessel, but a crew member says the ship's captain is still being held hostage.

OK...so they still have the boss. Sounds like they're the ones in trouble. BWA HA HA!

Image is of the Alva Maersk, later renamed the Maersk Alabama.

Zombie scum, I am the scourge of your kind!

Me, I'd have gone with a Mossberg 590 (maybe the SPX), plus a mix of #7 1/2 bird and 00 buck, but it's definitely the thought that counts.

This win was found on Failblog.

Padded room, check

Today's tract from (the Black Books version of) The Little Book Of Calm: Add a drop of Breann McGregor to your bathwater and you'll soak yourself calm. You are the captain of your calm ship.

The round Breann McGregor was found on F-listed.

Breakfast Granola for 4/8/9

Newscaster in blackface during a segment on U.S. President Barack Obama.

I'm no fan of "Dear Leader," but way to keep it classy Turkey! You definitely belong to Europe.

There's a Story Behind the Photo

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Reef is for the kids, Reef loves the kids

This one came with a name: Luciana Olivetto. Quickly, to the Intergoogles!

Latina Ass: Alexis Lopex Gallery

Miss COED: Alexis Lopez : COED Magazine

I approve this message. However, I am always suspicious of the lack of ass shots. What's going on back there? Something to hide?

Serial Killers and Trucking - A Perfect Combination

FBI database links long-haul truckers, serial killings - Los Angeles Times

The FBI suspects that serial killers working as long-haul truckers are responsible for the slayings of hundreds of prostitutes, hitchhikers and stranded motorists whose bodies have been dumped near highways over the last three decades.

This connection just occurred to them five years ago??? What the fuck. Haven't they seen a TV cop show or read a crime novel in the last 30 years?

I wonder how many of them are jacked up on crank as well. Meth-head Trucker Serial Killers...even better. Sounds like a new game from RockStar

Speaking of Easter...

Some Photoshop tomfoolery between swings of the pickaxe.

Advertising Fail: Nothing Says Easter Better Than Dead Girls

I just love when ads and content collide. Like this gem from SFGate.com. They started selling ads that take over the background. Which, when done properly (like a wallpaper) can work out pretty well. I think I saw one from a beach resort that came out really well.

But then there is this one. Nothing goes better with Easter than dead girls. I'm sure that the advertiser really wants to be associated with that story.

Because everyone loves Reef

Separated at birth?

Breakfast Granola for 4/7/9

Mmmango trim...

Adriana Lima was found on Hollywood Tuna.

Turn your personal shame into jewelry

It’s My Scar | Custom jewelry to memorialize your scar

Turn your personal history into a
unique piece of jewelry.
Claim your past and wear your story.

Whether they come from cancer surgery, accidents, c-sections, military wounds or sports injuries, our scars memorialize our unique personal experiences.

Yeah....That's what we've always needed.

I'm not sure if this is somewhat cool or demented freaky. I'm leaning to freaky.

Vocab Builder: Sci-fi to Sci-fact

I knew about the origins of "robot;" it's from a Slavic word for "work." But most of the terms seem so ubiquitous as to have been officially coined by scientists or other users of the technology. To me, this should resound as especially true for "zero-G" and "pressure suit," which I'd have guessed would've been specific jargon from pilots, astronauts, or physicists; similarly, I'd have figured programmers would've invented "virus" and "worm" based on the behavior of such computing code. Nope, sci-fi got to it first.

Found on Oxford University Press via Boing Boing.

It's Always Best to Order Off the Menu

Chinese hooker rate card
Your choices include...

• big breasted northern girl
• youthful local (which suggests that this is hong kong, since 陀地 is cantonese slang for local)
• fair-skinned malay
• feisty filipina
• wild white girl (lit: raving wild evil-ghost little-sister).