Breakfast Granola for 7/6/9

From the weekend Inbox, I got a dose of office humor. After some editing, amending, and upgrading, I declare it topical and awesome.

20 Phrases You Wish You Could Say At Work More Often

1. Looks like the fuckup fairy is visiting again.

2. I don't know what your problem is, but apparently it's hard to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. Let me transfer you. Don't be alarmed if it sounds just like a dialtone.

5. I'll get to that once my third arm grows in.

6. I'll start being nicer when you stop being a dumbass.

7. My attention to detail and work ethic is obviously commensurate to my pay.

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

9. It sounded like English, but I didn't understand a word you said.

10. I can see your point, which means you're still full of shit.

11. These balls aren't sucking themselves. Sounds like YOU'RE the one who has work to do.

12. You once again validate my innate mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of motivation. I just don't give a damn.

14. What do I think? I don't want to do it, and you're ugly, too.

15. You've fulfilled every misconception I had about you, and even added a few more.

16. Thanks for completely demoralizing me once again.

17. Calm your ass down, I'm not done slacking.

18. You need to be less of a human being and more of a human DOING.

19. I'm not being rude. You're being stupid.

20. You're starting to sound reasonable. I must have sobered up.