Breakfast Granola for 4/27/11

Jeff has an app? I thought he didn't like the iPhone.

Found on Failblog.

My Dick: An essay in contrasts

Mined by FMD Crankmonkey, this song could do with some refreshed lyrics. Example: "My dick makes you a believer. Your dick, more like Justin Bieber."

Breakfast Granola for 4/6/11

Holy Taco says Jeff's dream has come true:

If you and two other buddies are thinking of starting a band, might we suggest you quickly snatch up the name “3 Achy Love Holes” before some sexual deviant wannabe rockstar thinks he came up with that all by himself while he’s plowing a Miley Cyrus inflatable sex doll.

Oh, and yeah, there is now such a thing as a Miley Cyrus sex doll.

Breakfast Granola for 9/20/10

Japan: where kunoichi manufacture contraceptive foam directly from their own nethers.



Brought to you by Kevin Perreira and his stankin' ass.

The most important thing you'll see today...

Breakfast Granola for 6/1/10

From Media Take Out:

According to local reports, a 32 year old woman from the Russian city of Tambov was arrested for the poisoning and sexual assault of ten different men. The woman, who is photo’d above and is only identified by the name Valeria K, is alleged to have lured the men back to her apartment.

Once they were in her apartment, Valerie slipped a concoction into their drinks that knocked them out for hours. Once unconscious, Valeria played with the men’s genitals and after they became aroused, wrapped a rope around it - to maintain their erections. Then, she went to work – often going on for HOURS . . . and causing MEDICAL DAMAGE to the men.

All ten men have reported the same story, they followed Valeria back to her apartment for a few drinks, but woke the next morning in hospital with a loss of memory and trauma to the penis.

Breakfast Granola for 3/12/10

Jeff's birthday is coming up. I think he'd like this. Although perhaps a little TOO much...

And yes, I believe that's a hollowed pumpkin on the bottom right.

Found on Holy Taco.

Speaking of dirty asses...

BEST. ADVICE. EVAR!!!1!

Headless in Humpty Doo

From Jalopnik:

Following a ute crash in Humpty Doo, NT, Australia, and reports indicating the female passenger may have been engaging in amorous activities with the driver, the 34-year-old waitress would just like everyone to know "I was not sucking his d***."

First off, "Humpty Doo"!? Yes, Humpty Doo. Second, I really don't think this waitress gets the point of the crash, but let it be known that Alysson White does not -- repeat: DOES NOT -- give out brain:

"I was not sucking his d*** - and it's pretty obvious that wasn't the case ... you only have to look at the mark on my chest, clearly I had my seatbelt on, so it's impossible that I'd be leaning over sucking his d*** unless he is hung like a donkey or I've got a f****** rubber neck. If it was true I'd just cop it sweet and think 'how embarassing, I got caught sucking someone's d***' - but it is not true and that's what is p****** me off. It didn't happen like that at all - he was just going too fast. I don't understand where that story has come from.

"It may have looked bad when police first arrived as my girls were hanging out all over the place. I also had a $5 note wedged between my boobs so they probably just assumed I was a sex worker or something and he'd already paid me.

"But $5 is a bit cheap for a head job.''

Personally, I'd be afraid that she'd rip off my junk to feed her baby dingoes, or trade it to a witch doctor for a pack of smokes and some Carlton Draught.

Identification FAIL

"The rope has really taken a beating!" I'm thinking that's not all that took a beating...

Wendy Williams says, "How you doin'?"


see more Epic Fails

Buddha calls? That's the American way of loving

Beware Super Snake! Indian immigrant caught slippin' on his Buddha calls; wait for it: 6:17...

Premature FAIL

Found via Drudge Report on the St. Augustine Record:

Shortly after the jury gave its verdict in the case of William Telano Evans on Thursday afternoon, it was clear something was wrong.

In the courthouse hallway, Evans' wife, Peggy, used her cell phone to call her husband, who hadn't returned to court after lunch to hear the verdict.

"They found you not guilty," she said. "Please, please don't do anything."

He never got the message.

[....]

Deputies arrived at the Evans' home on Stokes Landing Road at 3:55 p.m., just as a 911 call came in from the residence.

Relatives had gone to the house to tell Evans he needed to go back to the courthouse. Instead, they found him dead at the rear of the house.

[....]

Prosecutor [Dennis] Craig had the last word in the trial, and his rebuttal left the five women and one man on the jury with the most damning evidence against Evans, the "apology letter" that he had apparently written to the victim as part of counseling, eight years before he was charged.

Evans' wife, daughter, son-in-law, sister and brother sat on the defense side of the courtroom and listened to Craig read the lurid details.

Peggy Evans hung her head.

The victim cried.

Evans jotted on a notepad, as he had done throughout most of the trial.

The letter, dated April 10, 1996, described how he was "overcome with selfish desires."

After several years of taking advantage of her nightly fear of what might happen and her youthful ignorance about sex, he promised to stop, according to the letter.

"For a while, I kept my promise."

I like turtles!

Modern mating ritual

moar funny pictures

Image located by FMD Crankmonkey on Funtasticus. and processed through Lol Builder for refined Lolz.

Breakfast Granola for 8/18/9

Olivia Munn simulating turtle sex = EPIC WIN!

Video Games - E3 2009 - Attack of the Show

Breakfast Granola for 7/30/9

From today's Yahoo! News, Police: SC man charged with having sex with horse:

COLUMBIA, S.C. – A South Carolina man was charged with having sex with a horse after the animal's owner caught the act on videotape, then staked out the stable and caught him at shotgun point, authorities said Wednesday.

But this wasn't the first time Rodell Vereen has been charged with buggery. He pleaded guilty last year to having sex with the same horse after owner Barbara Kenley found him in the same stable and was sentenced to probation and placed on the state's sex offender list.

[....]

Vereen, 50, was first charged with trespassing, but police added a buggery charge after watching the surveillance tape. He faces up to five years if convicted.

[....]

Vereen has had mental problems for several years, but seemed to get better after getting court-ordered treatment last year, said his brother, the Rev. James Vereen, who lives just down the street from his brother and the stables.

"He's done all right when he was on the medicine. I don't know if he is still taking it," said James Vereen, who added his brother has kept to himself a lot in the last few months.

Seems he didn't keep to himself well enough. Next time, do your horsefucking on stage so people will be able to truly appreciate it.

Ft. Myers Beach FAIL = Lawsuit WIN?

Also from FMD Whitey-D, also from Fox Boston:

FORT MYERS BEACH, Fla. - The town manager of Fort Myers Beach, Fla., is out of a job after the mayor and council members found out he was married to a porn star.

The Fort Myers Beach town council voted 5-0 to fire Scott Janke "without cause."

Mayor Larry Kiker says he learned that Janke's wife is an adult film star, and the elected officials took the action a few hours later.

Kiker says the vote wasn't a "judgment call" on the activities of Janke, who he says has done a good job, or his wife. It was, says the mayor, a matter of "how effective he becomes" and how much "disruption" there is.

Adult Industry News recently reported that Janke's wife, Anabela Mota Janke, goes by the stage name Jazella Moore.

Janke says "our heads are held high" and that he and his wife "have nothing to be embarrassed about."

I don't think holding it high was what you were doing with your head, honey...

Nonetheless, FMB just opened itself to a lawsuit; unless there's criminal extracurricular activity, I don't see that the town has a leg to stand on.

DO. NOT. WANT!

This strange ore was unearthed by FMD Whitey-D, from Fox Boston:

MANCHESTER, N.H. - A woman was arrested in Manchester after flashing a police officer early Friday morning, police said.

An undercover officer on patrol suspected the woman of engaging in prostitution near the area of Hanover Street and Beech Street.

The officer approached her and said the woman, identified as Lisa Bilodeau, of Manchester, made small talk and then exposed herself.

The officer identified himself and arrested Bilodeau.

Police said she fought back during the arrest.

Bilodeau was charged with lewdness and resisting arrest.

Ick, I wouldn't want something that looks like Tony Siragusa flashing me either. Tuck those tits back in, sweetie!

Sarah Jessica Parker sex tape?

Sorry, couldn't resist.

Idea jacked from Cracked, but mine's better.

Opportunity knocks for Jeff?

LoveHoney UK is holding a sex toy contest, whereby the winner wins £1,000. The winner’s design will be made into a reality and will retain rights to the design. Pretty sweet, right? Plus, who doesn’t want to be that 80-year-old at the bar reminiscing with that time their Coo-cumber Dildo won the sex toy contest?

Contest info here.

Found on F-listed.