The Eighteenth Decree of Simmslam

It is not incest if the women are good-looking.

Few things in life are better than "family-loving" between hot lesbian sisters.

The Seventeenth Decree of Simmslam

FMD Jack Naples asks:

When does childhood end?

al-Jeff bin Simmslam answers:

When the touching begins.

Jeff's kind of girl

This should be right up The Prophet's alley:

If you missed Thursday’s episode of the Jersey Shore, you spared yourself the awkwardness of witnessing the epitome of a TMI conversation between Snooki, JWoww and Deena. When the three were talking about why women can’t just fess up to their masturbation habits, Snooki saw it as the perfect opportunity to chime in with her own story:

You work your muscles — remember I did it all day once and couldn’t move?

The Sixteenth Decree of Simmslam

al-Jeff bin Simmslam has two whole plates of food, which he is consuming with gusto and nonchalance.

"Does this time of feasting have a name?" I asked.

The El Burrito pinto beans and Spanish rice are about to expire. My people call this time "Gassy."

Profound!

The Satisfaction of The Prophet: A Tale for Festivus

Among the Simmslamic people, Festivus is now claimed as Thee Holiday, and this is its first story:

In The Granola Mine, the Prophet al-Jeff bin Simmslam did toil, and though life was harsh, his people did thrive. Bottled water and packages of oatmeal were plentiful, and much Granola was mined. Life was good.

And then came Kevin the Simple, a mere wretch who desired to meet with his rich relatives and ski amid the Big Skies of Montana, but at a discount. This discount, he knew, could be obtained with permission. He need only ask "Him" and Him's henchman, Goomba, to conclude said transaction.

Kevin the Simple did thus, and Him and Goomba did promise to obtain this discount. However, Him did practice to deceive young Kevin the Simple, and instructed Goomba to cease progress on acquisition of said discount.

"Move on," Him spake unto Goomba, and so Goomba did, intending for poor Kevin the Simple to pay full price for his lift tickets and related accoutrements.

Unknown to most, al-Jeff had consumed the "al-qul" -- namely, the Midori Sour -- and was increased in courage many-fold. His "Dutch" levels rising and hearing this inveiglement, al-Jeff did become incensed, and called out Goomba for his Bitch-Ass-Ness.

"Bear ye false witness to Kevin the Simple!" al-Jeff rebuked. "Shalt thou not complete that call as ye promised?"

Verily punked and eager to disprove this charge of Bitch-Ass-Ness, Goomba did acquiesce. Calls were placed and arrangements were made to restore credit to the credit card of Kevin the Simple.

"Happy now, al-Jeff?" Goomba gloated. "Thy call art made for Kevin the Simple."

"Ye have only done what ye have promised. Art not Kevin the Simple a human being?" al-Jeff did rhetorically question. "Thou shalt treatest him as such. That is all I say."

And Goomba's trap did shut for the remainder of the day. Much rejoicing!

For his trouble, some three hundred sixty odd days later, by considerable patience and whining, al-Jeff did order a mighty sandwich.

But on arrival from faraway Ike's, this sandwich did appear as two sandwiches, one nameth Lex and the other Luthor. With hamburger and chicken-fried steak and ribeye and fried Mozzarella sticks they were filled.

"Delicious sandwich," al-Jeff declared on tasting Luthor, saving Lex for times of famine (tr: weekend).

And from this boon, al-Jeff felt fullness in the rotund of his belly.

"I art full," he belched, and did grow sleepy with "The Itis."

"The Prophet art sated?" the people cried out. "Tis a Festivus Miracle!"

And this is why we don't exchange gifts in The Mine.

The End

The Fifteenth Decree of Simmslam

Religions contain all manner of precepts and rules on rites and other behaviors. Marriage was briefly touched upon, so now it's time for death and burials:

This is how we will dispose of the dead in The Nation of Simmslam. It is the greatest thing ever.

The Fourteenth Decree of Simmslam

al-Jeff, regarding property rights:

Thou shalt bring me chicken AND egg, for that which art thine is mine, and that which thine stuff produceth art also mine.

In other words, this.

Saint Nevub

First, there was Bakesale Betty's. Then there was Cupkates. And now, there is Specialty's with beautifully buttery, chocolate chip cookies.

For this third miracle, FMD Nevub, the first Simmslamic saint, is elevated.

The kicker: he claims that his third miracle is not the true miracle.

The Thirteenth Decree of Simmslam

The prophet al-Jeff pisses new wisdom upon the unbelievers!

Because women are as dogs, so shall their ages be likewise counted.

Miley Cyrus and Taylor Momsen approach 105. I must "wife" them soon.

A fatwa upon Christine O'Donnell!

The Prophet al-Jeff is displeased with the views of Delaware Senate candidate Christine O'Donnell:

Opposition to the masturbations is Simmslamophobia! Infidel wench, I rebuke you in the holy name of Simmslam! Wear you a zombie mask and the mockery of goats for one thousand years!

P.S.: Go away. Nobody likes you.

P.P.S.: Don't judge me!

RIP Molly Norris

Cartoonist Molly Norris is no more, but today we are all Molly Norris. If your religion can't hold up to some drawings, I'm sorry to say that you won't be able to stop all of us.

The Twelfth Decree of Simmslam

In acknowledgment of 50 Cent's wisdom --

If you a stripper and you have a low self esteem Its probably because your fat and ugly. I suggest you kill yourself

-- Prophet al-Jeff affirms:

I fully approve of the fat women's doing the suicidesz.

Simmslamic intervention

al-Jeff beseeches his lord and savior:

From the Jaws wiki page. Please raptor jebus, save us.

In February 2010, film website Cinema Blend reported that a source from Universal Pictures has indicated that Universal is "strongly considering" remaking Jaws in 3-D, following the commercial success of Avatar.[85] The source also reported that 30 Rock star Tracy Morgan was considered to portray Matt Hopper in the remake, which they say could be more comedic and make more use of special effects.[86] The studio has not officially commented upon the rumor

Voice of Raptorjebus photoshooped by yourstruly.

The Eleventh Decree of Simmslam

Waxing shall be mandatory for all womens. Pubic hair is the gross and, therefore, haraam.

For the womens over 40, this will be loosely enforced. The dust will be too thick by then.

Breastfeeding: halal or haraam?

FMD Crankmonkey asks: "Are they feeling the competition from Simmslam?"

Sheikh Al Obeikan, an adviser to the royal court [of Saudi Arabia] and consultant to the Ministry of Justice, set off a firestorm of controversy recently when he said on TV that women who come into regular contact with men who aren't related to them ought to give them their breast milk so they will be considered relatives.

"The man should take the milk, but not directly from the breast of the woman," Al Obeikan said, according to Gulf News. "He should drink it and then becomes a relative of the family, a fact that allows him to come in contact with the women without breaking Islam's rules about mixing."

Obeikan said the fatwa applied to men who live in the same house or come into contact with women on a regular basis, except for drivers.

Al Obeikan, who made the statement after being asked on TV about a 2007 fatwa issued by an Egyptian scholar about adult breast-feeding, said that the breast milk ought to be pumped out and given to men in a glass.

But his remarks were followed by an announcement by another high-profile sheik, Abi Ishaq Al Huwaini, who said that men should suckle the breast milk directly from a woman's breast.

OM NOM NOM!

Found on Boing Boing; image of Jonah Hill and Heidi Hawking from Grandma's Boy.

Question for al-Jeff...

Oh, Great Prophet al-Jeff, is this product halal?



Found via io9 on Time.

The Ninth & Tenth Decrees of Simmslam

Forgiveness cannot exist without sin. Therefore, thou shalt vieweth of the camwhores and pr0nz. Many times. A lot.

Also, a happy office is a sad al-Jeff. You go away.

Official Mohammed of Simmslam

Is this art halal?

al-Jeff says, "Yes, very."

The Eighth Decree of Simmslam

That which is mine is mine. That which is yours is yours AND mine.

This includes women. Do not question.