Breakfast Granola for 5/10/11

Jalopnik has the accurate take on this NSFW-language Youtube clip:

Most of you are probably sane, normal people capable of reacting normally to [encountering a police shootout]. But just in case here's a lot of things [these white dudebros] did wrong:

• Don't drive towards police officers with guns drawn
• Don't think that by crouching down you're safe
• Don't tell your friend to "chill"
• Don't listen to Pearl Jam when you might die
• When the police get in their cars, it's probably time to go
• Once you decide to move away don't stop again
• When the cops are hiding, you should be hiding
• Don't videotape yourself doing any of this

And there ends today's obvious lesson.

Oh, Pearl Jam-listening white folks, you so crazy!

Breakfast Granola for 5/5/11

Via F-listed, today's breakfast is scrambled American-cricket fan ala Terrible Terry Tate. Wait for it: 0:06...

Breakfast Granola for 4/27/11

Jeff has an app? I thought he didn't like the iPhone.

Found on Failblog.

Escalation of force

Jazmine Sullivan is fixing to get some bitch killed with her song, "Bust Your Windows." From Jalopnik:



Let's count the FAIL in this, shall we?

1) It happens in Detroit, which is bad enough on its own, but…
2) The cops leave, which for most humans is akin to being left unattended on a safari.
3) She's a Steelers fan. From Detroit. She might as well be Ben Roethlisberger himself. There will be RAPE.
4) And the Cadillac has a vinyl top. Sorrow & FAIL.

Waste mismanagement

ATMOSPHERIC TOXICITY ALERT: Air quality over Herpderpia remains at an all-time low. Exercise caution while exiting The Mine.

Holding one's breath is strongly advised. Failure to do so may result in nausea and vomiting.

This ALERT remains in effect until the garbage scow undocks itself after a difficult three-hour shift.

Breakfast Granola for 3/23/11

From the general googlewebs, file under "Guns don't kill people. Pink guns do!":

When a burly ex-convict forced his way into a posh Florida home last week, he had no idea what awaited him -- a 25-year-old beauty queen with a pink .38-caliber handgun.

Meghan Brown, a former Florida pageant queen, shot and killed 42-year-old Albert Franklin Hill during a home invasion March 12 at the 2,732-square-foot house she shares with her fiance in Tierra Verde, Fla.

[....]

Brown, who reigned as the 2009 Miss Tierra Verde, snatched her gun from a nearby bedroom and shot the suspect several times – hitting him in the chest, groin, thigh and back, her fiance said. Hill was pronounced dead at the scene.

[....]

Hill had a criminal record stretching back nearly three decades -- including arrests for burglary, battery, drug possession and grand theft. He reportedly served a 13-year prison term in 1987 and was released in September after serving a fourth term behind bars.

1) Way to go, Meghan! This goes to show that it's not the color or caliber, but wherewithal and killshots, that'll put down an orc.

2) Way to go, Criminal Justice System! he said sarcastically. The only thirty year career not worth having ought to be a criminal career, but Hill sure tried. Too bad it took a civilian to end it when it could have been ended previously by solid incarceration.

I can't show you my nuts, so show me you're nuts!

In case you're wondering, Pekin and Bartonville are towns near Peoria, Illinois.

Which explains plenty.


see more funny videos, and check out our Foul Bachelor Frog lols!

Breakfast Granola for 2/3/11

This is me today.

P.S.: Also a good movie.

Goodell: "Not one... went to [Ben's] defense"

From Huffpo:

Peter King of Sports Illustrated wrote in this week's Monday Morning Quarterback column that NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell said none of Ben Roethlisberger's teammates defended him while he was deciding how to discipline the quarterback at the beginning of the season.

Goodell told King that out of the two dozen players he talked to, no one was supportive of Roethlisberger.

"Not one, not a single player, went to his defense," Goodell told King. "It wasn't personal in a sense, but all kinds of stories like, 'He won't sign my jersey.'"

Goodell went on to say that he "doesn't feel any connection" with the two-time Super Bowl champion.

So... correct pronunciation is: Roethlisrapist, Rapistberger, or Rapistrapist?

Breakfast Granola for 1/17/11

Nope, it seems The Overlords never heard of him, so no "you people" holiday in The Mine.

Reason #4080 for why skiing is dumb

What other activity requires thousands of dollars in equipment that someone can pick up and walk off with, looking ordinary doing so, and with little realistic recourse for the victim except to report the theft and eat the cost?

Plus, snow is cold, wet death and likely to kill you.

Reason #4080 to hate Halloween

Freaks come out at night, right? And you'll be hard put to find harder freaks than in Oakland, especially at a Denny's. Via F-listed, and I dispute the "sexy" characterization of their post. Seriously, get a good look at those costumed hoes, if you dare!

Sexy Halloween Fight - watch more funny videos

Breakfast Granola for 11/16/10

Reason #4080 why the Toyota Prius sucks: the unintended acceleration REALLY kicks in while intoxicated. This dumdum turns a single crash into 3, one of which is into a police cruiser. From Jalopnik:

Reason #4080 why Gran Turismo 5 needs to release on time

Because people will think Grand Theft Auto will teach them how to drive. Like this:



Found on Jalopnik.

Gimme my In-n-Out!

There is an In-n-Out proposed for Pleasant Hill, bordering Walnut Creek, but at least some in Walnut Creek are opposed:

"We know you [the Walnut Creek City Council] are involved, but we need more from you," said Laura Milstead. She is worried about the possible crime and the kind of late-night crowd it might attract to the area.

One resident was so upset by the thought of an In-N-Out next to her neighborhood that she cried as she pleaded with the council for help.

Seriously? I think you need to calm your asses down. Here are the talking points:

1. It attracts long lines of idling cars that emit exhaust fumes contributing to asthma.

2. It serves noisy crowds that blare car stereos with no regard for whom they irritate.

3. It is a late-night magnet for inebriated young adults who are in need of food to sober up.

4. It distributes wrappers, bags and napkins to patrons who litter neighborhood streets.

To this, I reply:

1. Make sure the restaurant is appropriately situated, sufficiently large, and has the capacity to serve everyone quickly. Add traffic lights or other road measures to keep things moving and it'll pay off soon enough.

2. Call the cops, issue tickets, make arrests, collect fines (money). Disturbing the peace is a crime. Don't make it seem like loud stereos are a new mineral.

3. Call the cops, issue tickets, make arrests, collect fines (money). Public drunkenness and DUI are crimes. At least they're stopped and want to be not-drunk. Beats them plowing through your house while you're asleep.

4. Call the cops, issue tickets, make arrests, collect fines (money). Littering is a crime, and an easy +$1000 for the jurisdiction that gets it.

In short, there is a gap in In-n-Out coverage; look it up, there's a distinct blank in the triangle constituting Walnut Creek-Concord-Martinez. From The Mine, the alternatives are Pinole or San Ramon, so being able to get the In-n-Out fix without traveling at least a dozen miles is most appreciated.

Besides, it's in Pleasant Hill. Walnut Creek, stay out of the way of the grown folks!

The journalist's paradox

Journalists are an odd breed; most are at least liberal, and are rapid proponents of the freedoms of speech and press. On the other hand, they tend also to be rabidly anti-gun, by and large.

And so we cut to Mexico, where El Diaro de Juarez kowtows to the drug cartels so that they may be consumed last:

In a front-page editorial Sunday, El Diario de Juarez asked drug cartels warring in this city across from El Paso, Texas, to say what they want from the newspaper, so it can continue its work without further death, injury or intimidation of its staff.

"Leaders of the different organizations that are fighting for control of Ciudad Juarez: The loss of two reporters from this publishing house in less than two years represents an irreparable sorrow for all of us who work here, and, in particular, for their families," the editorial said.

"We ask you to explain what you want from us, what we should try to publish or not publish, so we know what to expect," it added.

It was the newspaper's second front-page editorial since gunmen attacked two El Diario photographers Thursday — one a new employee and the other an intern.

The new employee, Luis Carlos Santiago, 21, died and the intern was seriously wounded as they left their office to have lunch.

In 2008, a crime reporter for El Diario was slain outside his home as he was taking his daughters to school.

Dead, missing or fled
At least 22 Mexican journalists have been killed over the past four years, at least eight of them targeted because of their reports on crime and corruption, says the Committee to Protect Journalists, a U.S.-based media watchdog group that plans to present its report to Mexican President Felipe Calderon on Wednesday.

In Mexico, a land where criminals have the advantage of firearms, the free press withers and accepts its new role as hostage.

The situation is far more complex than the absence/presence of firearms -- there's drug policy, law enforcement, federal willpower, and public sentiment to also consider -- but I always found it curious that not all Amendments of the Bill of Rights get equal billing (or column inches) in the eyes of journalists, especially where the Second would go a long way to protecting the First.

Breakfast Granola for 8/12/10

Just in case Jeff is still looking for another job, I hear there might be an opening at Disneyworld...

While visiting Epcot Center in Florida, a Pennsylvania woman alleges that a Disney employee dressed as Donald Duck grabbed her breast and molested her after she sought an autograph.

After the alleged groping, Donald Duck made gestures--apparently with his snowy white hands—“indicating he had done something wrong,” according to a lawsuit filed last month by April Magolon. The Upper Darby woman, 27, was visiting Epcot with her children and fiancé in May 2008 when the incident reportedly occurred.

[....]

According to Magolon’s complaint, she has suffered “severe physical injury, emotional anguish and distress including, but not limited to post-traumatic stress disorder” as a result of the run-in with Donald Duck. She also contends that the incident was “one of a long line of continuing, long standing, similar prior incidents” involving the groping of patrons by costumed Disney employees.

Found on The Smoking Gun.

Nuvo WHAT!?

Behold, a vodka to get shot over: Nuvo Vodka.

In San Antonio, a man who was mocked for his choice of Nuvo -- in particular that the shape of its cap is similar to many lipsticks, and was therefore made for women or homosexual men -- shot another man at a party.

FMD al-Jeff, on the other hand, found the bottle to be so attractive and well-designed that he insisted on purchasing one. A review (or fatwa on its halal-ness) may be forthcoming.

At any rate, pass me my Scotch.

Breakfast Granola for 7/9/10

Stay classy, Oakland.

Found on Chron.

JaWalrus Russell: FAIL Artist

Once upon a time, JaMarcus Russell was a quarterback of some renown and promise. Unfortunately, sloth and gluttony caught up to him, and his star faded considerably. Now there's some drugs into the mix...

Former Raiders quarterback JaMarcus Russell was arrested at his home in Mobile, Ala., on Monday afternoon and charged with possession of codeine syrup - a controlled substance.

Mobile County Sheriff's Office spokeswoman Lori Myles told the Mobile Press-Register that Russell was arrested during an undercover investigation. Police did not find a prescription for the codeine during their search. Although other people were on the property, Russell was the only one arrested.

He was booked into Mobile Metro Jail at 4:22 p.m. and released minutes later after making $2,500 bail. Russell is scheduled to appear in court July 20.

The Raiders released Russell, 24, in May after the No. 1 overall draft pick in 2007 posted a record of 7-18 as a starting quarterback. The quarterback's weight issues were well documented, teammates openly questioned his work ethic, and there were also constant whispers of Russell's use of codeine syrup.

Codeine syrup is sometimes used in a recreational drink known as "purple drank," "lean" or "sizzurp" as a means of enhancing the effects of alcohol. A popular drink in the South, it is a mix of prescription-strength cough syrup that contains the narcotic codeine and the antihistamine promethazine, with alcohol or 7-Up and Jolly Ranchers candy.

The Raiders had no comment, and neither Russell nor his agents could be reached for comment. Several former Oakland teammates had no comment, but one said, "It's not a big surprise; everyone knew he liked to party and chill."

Houston rapper Al D explained the effects of using codeine syrup in a recreational drink to the Houston Chronicle in 2007, saying, "When I was drinking 'drank,' I wasn't thinking about what it could be doing to my health. I'm 180 pounds, and when I was on drank, I was 240. It got so much sugar in it that it blows you up, and it makes you eat a lot, and then you got the soda."

The Raiders paid Russell more than $39 million during his three years with the team. They are seeking a return of $9.55 million on the basis that the money was paid as an advance against future years of his contract.

The Raiders cut Russell after trading for Washington quarterback Jason Campbell, but his release came only after they risked losing another big chunk of change by having Russell attend a minicamp. If he had gotten hurt, he would have collected an additional $6.45 million.

Oakland cut him the following week, saving that $6.45 million, but is still on the hook for $3 million guaranteed for this season.

Russell completed 52.1 percent of his passes (354 of 680) with the Raiders for 4,083 yards, with 18 touchdowns and 23 interceptions in 31 games. He lost 15 of his 25 fumbles, was sacked 70 times and had a passer rating of 65.2.

The Jets were said to have a slim interest in signing him last week, but told the New York Daily News on Monday that they will pass.

Found on the Chron.